Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
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Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
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and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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