The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
