Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
