Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
