I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
