I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
