I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
