You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize