She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Randomize
