I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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