I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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