I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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