i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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