There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
