He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
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Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
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If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it