somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
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i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
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anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass