If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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