I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
