I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
