Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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