fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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