the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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