Sry I called you an 8
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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