Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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