you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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