There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
