Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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