somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
