i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Randomize
