Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
