Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Randomize
