There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
