haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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