I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
