That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
