i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
