Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
