Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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