Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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