I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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