Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
