I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
