i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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