Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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