He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
