Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
