It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
