Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
