i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
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She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
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It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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