I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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