at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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