Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
