dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
