I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I could fuck to npr.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
