I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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